


How To Deal With The Fact That Your Crush Has A Boyfriend In Five (Not So) Easy Steps

by waitineedaname



Series: twenty idiots stumble into adulthood [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe - College/University, Aromantic Asexual John Egbert, Bigender Sollux Captor, Double Dating, Friends to Lovers, Humanstuck, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual dumbassery, Nonbinary Character, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, References to Super Smash Brothers, Tutoring, because Gamzee showed up, but it's only briefly mentioned sorry, karkat just likes jumping to conclusions and making himself miserable, not a poly fic though those are cool, there is a background poly relationship bc gee sollux your mom let you have two girlfriends?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-05 06:16:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17913389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitineedaname/pseuds/waitineedaname
Summary: Dave was growing on him like some kind of unfortunate rash. He was legitimately funny, he was actually pretty damn smart under his weak cool guy facade, and he was genuinely nice, albeit extremely annoying. Karkat was beginning to realize he might actually really like this guy.But of course he had a boyfriend. Of course. The universe couldn't be good to him just this once?





	1. Step One: Meet Crush

**Author's Note:**

> can y'all believe the first chaptered fic I've ever finished and the longest work of fiction I've ever written is a goddamn homestuck fic? unbelievable
> 
> but yeah, I've been writing this for a while now, and I know I'm cursed with not finishing chaptered fics, so I was determined to finish this story before I posted it. I'm all done now, so here it is! The chapters will come out every two days
> 
> also mad shoutouts to my friends Em and Shay for helping me flesh out and edit my shit, you guys are champs and also generally the coolest

When Kanaya told him she needed to stop by Rose’s place before they went to their monthly coffee-and-gossip meeting, Karkat hadn’t been surprised. The two had been dancing around their mutual feelings for ages now, and it was kind of becoming old hat. (For fuck’s sake, she was picking up a lipstick she’d let Rose borrow. That’s practically an indirect kiss.) What he was surprised by, however, was the fact that Rose’s apartment was full of people Karkat had never met.

Okay, by full he meant there were three people there, but still. What the fuck.

Kanaya and Rose disappeared into Rose’s room, and Karkat was left with two options: brave the loud living room and its two occupants, or hide in the kitchen and deal with only one person.

Obviously he chose the latter.

He couldn’t really see the person rifling through Rose’s pantry, just the back of a red hoodie and some long legs, but they must have heard him approach because they spoke up without extracting themselves from the pantry.

“Hey John, do you want regular goldfish or flavor blasted-” The person poked their head out and paused. “You’re not John.”

“No I am not.” Karkat said blandly. The two of them stared at each other for a moment. The stranger had sunglasses that hid most of their expression, and something about their facial structure reminded him of Rose. He was suddenly reminded of the few times Rose had mentioned having a brother. Dave, maybe? He didn’t remember her mentioning that her brother was _hot as fuck._

Rose’s apparently hot brother lifted up the bags of goldfish in his hands. “Regular or flavor blasted?”

“Is that even a fucking question?” The sheer insult of that question was enough to distract him. “Who the fuck would willingly subject themselves to flavor blasted goldfish? It tastes like someone rolled a goldfish in pulverized toe calluses. Whatever flavor goldfish naturally have - which isn’t much to begin with, mind you - is nowhere to be fucking found! Maybe that’s what they mean by blasted! They just completely fucking obliterated any palatable flavor! Instead, they hired someone to create a recipe who had never eaten goldfish and instead got the jist of it explained by some dumb fuck with a fourth grade vocabulary that’s entirely subsisted off of pre-chewed goldfish spat into their mouth like the world’s shittiest penguin!”

“Okay, first of all, gross. Second of all, I don’t even know _why_ I asked you since I’m getting these for John and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna back me up and say that flavor blasted is the best possible flavor, which it _is.”_

Karkat narrowed his eyes. “Is John the one on the couch?” Dave nodded, and Karkat poked his head out of the kitchen to shout into the living room. “Hey, John!”

A Filipino guy with glasses looked up from where he was chatting exuberantly with a girl who looked like she might be his twin. “Yeah?”

“Regular or flavor blasted goldfish?”

“Regular, duh.” John’s nose crinkled up in a grimace. “Who eats flavor blasted goldfish?”

“Thank you! I’m glad someone in this apartment has taste!”

“John!” Dave groaned, pushing past Karkat to collapse half on top of John with the goldfish in hand, oozing melodrama. “You betrayed me.”

“What’d I do?” John laughed, grabbing the bag.

“Oh, nothing, you just insulted me on the deepest, most personal level.”

“...Because of goldfish?”

“You know I’m sensitive about my snacking, Egbert.”

“I hope you know I only have those horrible crackers because of you, Dave,” said Rose, reappearing out of her room with Kanaya at her heels. 

“Et tu, Rose? My own sister?” Dave put a hand to his heart, looking overly wounded.

“I would be doing you a disservice if I allowed you to eat that garbage without criticism. You need someone to keep you from ruining your body completely.” Rose said, smirking and walking over to join them.

“Sorry about that, we can go now.” Kanaya said, grabbing Karkat’s attention, and for a second he forgot what she was talking about.

“Finally. I thought I was going to die with these fucking weirdos.” Karkat huffed and let Kanaya lead him to the door, determined to push Rose’s obnoxious and attractive brother out of his mind forever. 

—

Karkat had been pretty successful in forgetting about Dave entirely. He had better things to do than think about Rose’s good-looking but annoying brother.

Unfortunately, the universe apparently decided no, actually, he didn’t have better things to do. He was beginning to become convinced that the universe was out to fuck him over.

He was leaning against the wall outside his biological anthropology class, waiting for the previous lecture to empty out so he could grab his seat in the back before anyone else snatched it, when someone appeared in his peripheral vision.

“Yo, aren’t you that guy that was hangin’ with Kanaya?” Karkat dragged his eyes off his phone and found Dave was standing next to him and _talking_ to him for some unknown reason instead of scrolling through his phone silently like every other waiting classmate with any manners did. “The one who threw a fit about goldfish?”

“Me? Throw a fit? Fuck you, you’re the one who decided to go into melodramatics because your food taste is awful.” Karkat, the fool he was, internally berated himself for actually deigning to give him a response instead of grunting noncommittally to make him go away. But here he was, having to deal with the consequences of his actions. Karkat, meet self-dug grave. Now lie in it.

“Aw, come on. You gotta know that shit was ironic. Melodrama over tiny things is like peak irony.” He was still wearing those sunglasses inside. He couldn’t be hungover, it was 4pm on a Tuesday. 

“Right. And caring about being ironic in 2019 is-”

“Also ironic, yes. See, you’re catching on.” Dave had a self satisfied look on his face, and Karkat kinda wanted to punch him for it. “So, anyway, I didn’t know you were in this class.”

“I sit in the back.” Karkat said as if it explained everything, which it must have since Dave hummed his understanding.

“Not a fan?”

“Fuck no. I’m only taking it to fill a science GE, I couldn’t give two shits about this class.”

“Man, it’s so cool though. All the fuckin’ bones? You tell me an Australopithecus skull isn’t the fucking coolest.”

“I can’t even pronounce whatever the hell you just said.” Karkat narrowed his eyes at him, examining him as if somehow a part of his appearance would explain why he liked the worst GE Karkat had ever taken, but nothing about Dave outwardly screamed science nerd. “Why do you care?”

“Paleontology major, bro. This class is basically the same shit, just hominid bones instead of dinosaurs and shit.” 

Karkat blinked. “Huh.” Not what he would’ve pegged Dave for. “How is… that.”

“It’s so fucking cool. Last week I got to touch a fossil from 80 _million_ years ago. Can you imagine? That thing lived and died before mammals were even a blip on the radar. It really puts things in perspective, you know? The earth is so _old._ We get to live like, 80 years? If we’re lucky? That’s like a second for the earth. It’s crazy.” Genuine enthusiasm was pushing at the edges of Dave’s expression, held back just barely by his “cool guy” demeanor. Dave seemed to realize this and quickly collected himself. “Uh. Yeah, um. Yeah. Bones are cool.”

“Right.” Karkat continued to stare at the puzzle in aviator shades and bleached dreads in front of him, and the silence was just reaching awkward when the door finally opened and the other class began flooding out. 

Karkat took his seat in the back, Dave took his near the front, and they left without speaking.

—

Karkat hadn’t planned to befriend Dave, but much to Karkat’s chagrin, Dave seemed to have other plans. He’d started waiting for him outside the lecture hall, talking almost incessantly as they walked to their next classes. When he ran into him in Target, Dave had stuck to his side until Karkat had finished shopping, offering commentary on anything and everything they passed. He even ran into him when he was hanging out with Terezi one time and quickly discovered that not only did they already know each other, but they also possessed chaotic energies that when brought together could only bring him suffering. 

Or so he claimed. In actuality, Dave was growing on him like some kind of unfortunate rash. He was legitimately funny, albeit extremely annoying, and he was actually pretty damn smart under his weak cool guy facade. Despite all his complaints, Karkat was realizing he actually enjoyed hanging out with him. So when Dave gave him an escape route out of an unpleasant conversation with Eridan, he took it.

It was a party at some upperclassman’s house. Karkat didn’t know the host, but apparently they were friends with people who were friends with his friends, so through a few degrees of separation, he somehow ended up at the party. It had been going fine up until Eridan cornered him in one of the side rooms. Karkat didn’t really like to drink at these kinds of things, the solo cup in his hand significantly more mixer than actual alcohol, but apparently Eridan had no such qualms if the stink of vodka on his breath said anything.

“Look,” Eridan said, very nearly sloshing his drink on him, “All I’m sayin’ is you should give it a chance. You might actually have fun for once in your fuckin’ life instead of walkin’ around like you’ve got a stick up your ass.”

“If I ever put you and fun in the same sentence, it would be to say ‘wouldn’t it be fun to never have to deal with Eridan’s slimy ass ever again?’ And then whoever I’m talking to would laugh and agree because you’re universally abhorrent and no one wants to be around you!”

“Ugh, why do you have to be like that, Kar?” Eridan huffed, popping his bottom lip out in a pout. Karkat grimaced back at him. “You know I’m still sensitive. A broken heart ‘n all that. Me and Fef breakin’ up really did a number on my self esteem.”

“Wow, great tactic! Mention your ex and blame her for your own shitty personality in the same breath as hitting on someone else! Definitely doesn’t seem like you’re looking for a rebound at all!”

“Oh, please.” Eridan sniffed and looked down his nose at him. “It’s not a rebound if I’ve been with other people since Fef.”

“Even better - implying I’m not your first choice! If my dick hadn’t shriveled up the moment I saw you, it sure has now! In fact, it’s completely disintegrated! Bye bye, penis! It was nice knowing you, but unfortunately, Eridan is so repellant that he kills the libido of anyone within a mile radius!”

“Listen, Kar,” Eridan started, putting his hand on Karkat’s shoulder. Karkat’s lips pulled away from his teeth in a snarl, about to scream at him even more, but before he could do something he would regret, someone popped up in his periphery.

“Karkat, dude, thank god I found you. There’s something you gotta see right now in a room that isn’t this one.” At Dave’s appearance, Eridan jerked his hand back.

“Can’t you see we’re busy?” Eridan said, despite Karkat taking a large step back from him.

“Sorry man, but I need to steal Karkat right now, bye.” Dave grabbed Karkat’s wrist and pulled him out of the room, pushing through the crowd like a man on a mission.

“I can walk myself, asshole!” Karkat snapped, jerking his hand out of Dave’s hold as soon as they were out of view. Dave didn’t complain, still leading him towards the stairs. “Where are we even going?”

“Upstairs. It looked like you needed to get away from that dude.” Dave said, walking up the stairs. It was significantly quieter on the second floor, only one or two people in the hall. Dave seemed to know where he was going, heading for one door in particular. When it opened up into a bedroom, Karkat narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“This better not be some kind of ploy to get me into bed with you.” He’d already had to deal with _one_ asshole trying to do that, it would be disappointing if Dave turned out to be the same way.

“What? Oh fuck, oh my god, no. Holy shit, I’m not that gross.” Dave shook his head furiously. “No, I- This is my step-sister’s house and she always tries to reserve her room for people who need to catch a breather or escape someone gross, like an escape room. Except, wait, escape rooms are rooms you try and escape from, this is more like something you escape to, there aren’t any secret codes under the phone or special ways to pull out the drawers that open a secret room or something. Is that how escape rooms work? I’ve never been in one, but I’m pretty sure Roxy would kill us if we opened her drawers, so that’s probably a bad idea.”

“I don’t have any plans to go rifling through your step-sister’s shit, and if I ever get locked in an escape room with you, I’ll probably end up murdering us both out of sheer frustration,” Karkat said and crossed his arms tightly, “...But getting a breather would be fine, I guess.”

Dave nodded and led his way into the room, draping himself sideways across the bed. Karkat sat down next to him and after a moment of deliberation, laid down as well. Dave, obnoxiously tall as he was, dangled off of both sides of the bed, and Karkat scooted up so his head dangled too. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Dave tried and failed to keep his sunglasses from falling off of his face, eventually giving up and taking them off with a soft grumble. He clicked them closed and laid them next to him on the bed, and Karkat got his first view of Dave’s dark brown eyes, unimpeded by the reflective lenses of his aviators. They flicked over at him, and Karkat tried to act like he hadn’t been staring. Dave huffed in quiet laughter and thankfully didn’t mention it.

“Thanks for getting me away from him.” Karkat said after a few seconds of silence. “I was probably going to do something I’d regret. Though, granted, I’m pretty sure everyone is itching to punch Eridan Ampora in the teeth, so I doubt anyone would hold it against me for long.”

Dave snorted. “Yeah, no problem man. You looked pretty damn uncomfortable, and I was thinking about heading up here for some quiet anyway, so I thought you might appreciate an out.” He stretched a little, then laid his hands on his stomach, idly tapping out an unknown beat. “Honestly, I think Rox mostly sets the room aside for me ‘cause I always end up here. Sensory overload and stuff. Big parties are fun and all, but…” He shrugged, an awkward motion upside down as he was. “Dunno. They can be overwhelming, I guess.”

“They’re not really my scene either.” Karkat admitted. “It just seems like an excuse to get drunk off your ass and make shitty decisions.”

“Ah, college.”

“Right? I’d rather just be in my room watching a movie about a college rager than actual go to one. Popular media has way overhyped their appeal, and you can quote me on that.”

“Preach.” Dave offered his hand for a fistbump that was more of a knuckle-tap at this angle, but it succeeded in making Karkat snort in amusement. “Hey, what’s your favorite movie?”

“You’re not allowed to tease me for the answer.”

“Dude, who do you think I am? This is a no judgment zone. We’re just two dudes hanging out on my sister’s bed while people get increasingly sloshed in a party we just escaped from. This isn’t just a no judgment zone, this is an honesty zone. Bonding town. We’re like middle schoolers at a sleepover, sharing secrets, except the secrets are our taste in film.”

“You talk too much.” Karkat grumbled, shifting to avoid slipping off the bed and banging his head on the floor. “It’s 50 First Dates.”

Dave made a noise like a strangled bird and actually did slide off and hit his head. “Fuck- It is _not.”_

“Fuck off! Yes it is, and you said you wouldn’t give me shit for it!”

“I said that before you told me your favorite movie is an _Adam Sandler flick._ What the fuck, Karkat.”

“It’s heartwarming!”

“It’s Adam Sandler! I thought you were gonna say something like, I dunno, Princess Bride.”

“I haven’t seen that.”

“You _what._ Dude. Karkat. Buddy. Vantas. How the literal fuck have you not seen Princess Bride. It’s the fucking best. There’s romance and sword fighting and Billy Crystal is there. We have to watch it right now, holy shit. I can’t believe I’m going to be able to take your Princess Bride virginity. This is a magical moment, Karkat. We’re doing this.” Dave wiggled himself into an upright position and pulled out his phone. Before Karkat could stop him, Dave had opened up Netflix and was tugging him over to sit against the pillows.

Karkat had fully intended to bitch the whole time, simply to spite Dave, but Princess Bride was legitimately good. He hadn’t even realized they were a quarter of the way through the movie until someone opening the door made Dave pause it.

“Oh!” Their intruder was a tall girl with bubblegum pink space buns, and at her side was a shorter Asian girl with glasses. The tall girl smiled broadly. “Hey Davey!”

“Sup Roxy. Jane.” Dave nodded. “What’s up?”

“Uh.” Roxy exchanged a look with Jane and giggled a little.

“Oh.” Dave looked vaguely horrified. “Aw fuck, I’ll, uh. I’ll give you your privacy.” He scrambled to his feet and without his sunglasses on, Karkat could see how embarrassed he was. Dave grabbed his shades from the bed and pulled Karkat out the door, passing a bemused Roxy and Jane. “Bye Roxy, enjoy the sex- I mean bye Sexy- I mean. Bye.”

The door shutting did absolutely nothing to dampen Roxy’s loud laughter, and Dave looked like he wanted to throw himself down the stairs.

“You’re a fucking disaster.” Karkat told him, and Dave buried his face in his hands.

“Tell me about it.” Dave sighed, dropping his hands again. “Do you wanna finish the movie or something? I’m pretty sure the party’s dying down and it’s probably hella late, but you could come by my dorm…? We could watch it on my laptop, the screen’s bigger than my phone.”

“Again, this better not be some Netflix and chill ploy.” Karkat warned. Dave shook his head.

“Nah, dude. The only chill will be the chilling fear of watching Wesley in the pit of despair.” Dave said the last few words in an impression of what Karkat assumed must be some character he hadn’t met yet. He rolled his eyes.

“You’re a dork.”

“Yeah. C’mon, I’ll drive you.”

They watched the rest of the movie on Dave’s bunk, sharing a pair of earbuds so as not to wake up John beneath them. Karkat may have cried a little, and Dave didn’t mention it. When the movie was done, Dave drove him home, insisting that he didn’t want him to walk back in “the ass-crack of night.”

—

It was hard to act like they weren’t friends after that. They started hanging out more and more, grabbing lunch together in between classes, snapchatting each other dumb shit at odd hours of the day, seeking each other out at social gatherings. Dave put up with Karkat’s long-winded rants about everything from shitty professors (“They have no goddamn right to be condescending! Maybe the students are putting in the work, you’re just a terrible teacher, have you ever fucking considered _that?!”)_ to socks (“Who the fuck are ankle socks even made for? Do people want to get blisters? Is that some new trend? Oh look how cool I am, my socks slid below my shoes and now I’m bleeding because the heel of my shoe is digging into my achilles tendon! How’s your day?”). Karkat tried not to laugh at Dave’s elaborate metaphors and definitely did laugh when they dipped into an embarrassing Freudian slip, as they had a tendency to do. 

They got along like a house on fire, which is coincidentally what Karkat’s brain felt like when he came to an unfortunate realization. No dog sipping coffee to be found, this was not fine.

Both of them had a break in the middle of the day in between classes, just long enough to grab lunch but not long enough to justify going back home. They’d started spending that time together, sitting outside the dining hall and rambling at each other around mouthfuls of food. In this particular moment, Dave was talking about birds for a reason unknown to Karkat. 

“Seriously dude, they’re so fucking smart. Like, did you know you can teach pigeons to read? Not read read or whatever, they can’t comprehend the words like we can, but they, y’know, can be trained to recognize certain patterns and associate them with different things. You could train a pigeon to associate the word - I dunno, bagel - with bad, and then when they see the word bagel - just the shape of the letters - they’ll know it’s bad. It’s so fuckin’ cool. I swear these little dudes are gonna take over the world one day. I, for one, welcome our feathery overlords.” He’d been picking apart the crust of his sandwich while he was talking, and Karkat had thought it was just him needing something to do with his hands; he always seemed to be fidgeting with something. To his surprise, Dave grabbed a few of the crumbs and leaned down to offer it to a few of the sparrows that had been hopping around. There was a soft smile curling on his lips when they hopped closer to collect their spoils, and Karkat’s heart clenched in a weird way.

Oh. Oh no. This was bad.

With horror, Karkat realized he’d caught feelings. What the _fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come chat with me on tumblr @waitineedaname !! I did so much worldbuilding and background on all the characters even though they don't all show up, and I'm itching to talk about it with folks, so send me asks about your favorite characters, I've probably got them all worked out in this college au!
> 
> next update in two days!


	2. Step Two: Vent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize how short this chapter was hmm I might post the third chapter a little early (eye emoji)
> 
> I'm really bad at responding to comments but you guys were so sweet ahh thank you for your support!! I'm excited to be posting this

Karkat came back from class one evening in a mood that could only be described as huffy. He slouched into the living room of his apartment, dropping his backpack on the way, and collapsed on the couch on top of his roommate’s sprawled out legs. 

The sudden weight of one (1) Karkat Vantas was enough to startle Gamzee out of whatever zoned out daze he’d been in, and he lifted his head from where it dangled off the couch to smile at him. “Hey, best friend. How’s a motherfucker doin’ this fine evening?” He asked, maneuvering his legs out from under Karkat.

“Shitty.” Karkat declared, tucking his face into the collar of his sweater. “Where’s Sollux?”

“I ‘unno. Out somewhere. They probably told me, but I done forgot.” Gamzee chuckled at his own expense, and Karkat narrowed his eyes at him.

“How high are you right now?”

“I may have partaken in a brownie or two after work.” Gamzee said with a wink. Were it anyone else, that would have qualified to Karkat as Extremely High, but he knew Gamzee’s tolerance was as stupidly high as he was, even when he was taking his meds. Gamzee claimed it was a “motherfuckin’ miracle”, but Karkat thought it was more likely that his psychiatrist smelled him when he walked in her door and realized it was probably for the best if she could find meds that worked with his lifestyle.

At this point, Gamzee had managed to drag himself fully upright so he could pull Karkat into a hug. “Now why’s a brother’s day all bein’ shitty?” He said, combing his fingers through Karkat’s hair like he knew soothed him, the _bastard._

“...It’s this guy.” Karkat finally admitted, and he felt Gamzee immediately stiffen.

“He causing you problems?” Gamzee looked down at him, saw the embarrassed look on Karkat’s face, then smiled. “Aw, or is a motherfucker gettin’ his crush on?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Karkat growled, shoving Gamzee’s face away. Gamzee laughed in that obnoxious way of his, completely unfazed. “Okay, maybe I have the slightest bit of a crush. Maybe. Fuck you, don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”

“I didn’t say nothing, brother!” Gamzee laughed, putting his hands up in defense. “Man, I don’t think I can be at givin’ you relationship advice and all. Last crush I been having was Tavros, and he’s aroace so that went motherfuckin’ nowhere, and the last person I got my down and dirty on with was Terezi and she motherfucking hates me, bro.” Karkat must have been visibly dispirited because Gamzee wrapped him in his long arms again and restarted his hair petting. “Don’t mean I can’t be trying to get my advice on for a brother, though.”

“Whatever. I’ll just ignore my emotions and squash them into a tiny ball in my chest until they finally fester into a brand new, never before-seen cancer that inevitably kills me and ends my lonely, terrible life.” Karkat grumbled, tucking his face in his collar again.

“You ain’t gotta be doing all that, bro! Are y’all friends?” He waited for Karkat to nod. “Then just keep, y’know, hanging out. Get closer, see if he’s feeling at you the same way. Asking him out might come natural.”

Karkat was silent for a long moment, then muttered, “I hate it when you’re right,” which sent Gamzee into another fit of honking laughter. “Shut up! God, you’re so fucking annoying.” Karkat said, pulling out of Gamzee’s grasp to grab the TV remote. “Can we just watch Great British Bake Off and forget that I’m a sappy asshole?”

“Hell yeah, brother! It’s motherfuckin’ cake week.” Gamzee declared with a big smile, effectively distracted. Karkat rolled his eyes at his enthusiasm and settled in to watch the show. If he mulled over Gamzee’s suggestion too much to focus on the show, well, that was his business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little mini worldbuilding bc I have background on EVERYBODY
> 
> Karkat rents an apartment with his two roommates, Sollux and Gamzee, who have been his best friends since middle school and ninth grade, respectively
> 
> Sollux is a programming major, and they're bigender, bisexual, and bipolar, has heterochromatic eyes, is ambidextrous, and has two girlfriends (Aradia and Feferi). They swear they didn't plan for the duality thing to be their brand but,,
> 
> Gamzee dropped out of college because previously undiagnosed mental health problems reared their head, but because of Karkat's determination to Get Him To A Therapist, he's on meds now and is doing much better. He works a couple part time jobs to pay rent on the apartment, one of which is at Jane's bakery which makes him v happy


	3. Step Three: Hang Out With Crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO chapters in one day?????? holy shit
> 
> Yeah, I felt bad posting such a short chapter, so here's another today! Surprise!

Karkat liked to think he was above cliches, but he wasn’t. Sometimes life takes the form of failing your midterm so you have to turn to your scientifically gifted crush for tutoring, and that’s just how it is. 

“Okay,” Dave said, opening up his notes. It was a Sunday afternoon and they were sitting across from each other in the library, textbook and notebooks at the ready, “What are you having trouble with?”

“All of it.” Karkat said, finding the sweet spot between dejected and irritated.

“Come on, dude, there’s gotta be somewhere we can start.” Karkat sent him a look, and Dave got the message. “Alright, starting at the beginning it is.”

They managed to get through most of the first chapters with only minimal pain to Karkat’s brain when they were interrupted by a loud grumble from Dave’s direction. Dave grimaced and Karkat made a face.

“What the fuck, was that your stomach?”

“Yeah. Fuck, Rose is gonna kill me if she finds out I forgot to eat again.” Dave mumbled half to himself, pulling out his phone. “Hold on, I gotta text John.”

Dave tapped out a few short messages, then put his phone away and went back to teaching Karkat about the Hardy-Weinberg law of equilibrium like nothing had happened. Karkat had almost forgotten about the distraction when someone suddenly appeared at their table.

“Hey Dave! Hey Karkat!” John said brightly. He smiled and held up a few tinfoil covered slices of pizza, a couple bottles of water, and an apple juice. “I brought lunch.”

“My savior. My hero. How can I ever repay you.” Dave said, clearly relieved despite his deadpan delivery. He took two of the slices off John’s hands and held the apple juice in his hands like it was manna from heaven. “You even got me the AJ I like. Goddamn. John, have I ever told you how much I fucking love you?”

“Only every day.” John teased. He passed Karkat two of the slices and a water. “I wasn’t sure what kind of pizza you liked, so I just got cheese.”

Karkat looked at the pizza in surprise, then narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “I don’t have to pay you for this, do I?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it! I have way more meal credits than I know what to do with.” He said with a laugh. “Dave told me to pick up some food for you guys since you’re studying-” He squinted at the open notebooks and hazarded a guess, “...biology?”

“Sit down, John, I can teach two idiots at once.” Dave pulled his bag off the chair next to him so John could have a seat. “It’s cool if John hangs out, right Karkat?”

“What? Yeah, whatever.” Karkat said, already digging into his pizza because hey, free food.

“Dude, you live with me. Do you really want me around that much?” John said, sitting down and bumping Dave’s shoulder playfully.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got codependency issues or whatever the hell Rose says with her psychotherapy babble, now shut up and learn something for once in your life.” Despite his complaints, Dave looked like he was fighting a smile, and something about their rapport created a tiny little sick knot in Karkat’s stomach.

He told that knot to shut the fuck up and refused to think about what that might mean in favor of trying to bring his anthropology score back up to passing.

\---

Dave and Karkat continued their study sessions on a semi-regular basis, but since they were them, it quickly turned into thinly veiled excuses to just hang out with very little actual work happening. John showed up halfway through more often than he didn’t, which wasn’t _horribly_ annoying, Karkat supposed. He was insufferably friendly to Karkat despite barely knowing him, and he seemed to get a kick out of teasing Dave, which Karkat could appreciate. 

There was a needling feeling that showed up whenever Dave and John interacted, though. Karkat was determined to not even think about it and let himself enjoy something for once. It kind of felt like a little worm had taken up shop in the bottom of his lower intestine and was yelling a hint up at him through his digestive track, but it was quiet enough that Karkat didn’t have to consciously acknowledge it.

That feeling didn’t get sick of his ignoring ass and punch him in the face until a few weeks later. They were gathered at Aradia’s apartment on her invitation to, quote, “fight to the death in Super Smash Bros.” Karkat was beginning to think it was kind of ridiculous how much their friend group overlapped. He’d known Aradia peripherally through Sollux for years, and she already knew Dave because apparently archaeology and paleontology majors have some overlap in their classes. How he hadn’t met Dave earlier, Karkat didn’t know.

John was there too because apparently Aradia’s roommate was his twin sister, and it was currently a fight between him, Dave, Karkat, and Sollux. They were all losing terribly, not because of any fault of theirs, but because Dave was a _dirty cheater._

He kept poking John in the side where he was ticklish when he was charging an attack and shoving his socked feet into Karkat’s face to make him yell and lose focus and kicking at Sollux’s hands when they were trying not to fall off the stage. Moments like this really made Karkat question whether he actually liked Dave because right now, he kind of wanted to strangle him with his bare hands. 

There was nothing like mutual annoyance to inspire solidarity, however, and without even mentioning it, Sollux, John, and Karkat all silently agreed _fuck Dave, right?_

Was it rude to target one player in a free-for-all? Yes. Did he deserve it? Also yes.

“Man- No- Fuck you guys!” Dave yelled, frantically tapping at his controller while the other three surrounded him from all sides, beating the shit out of his Mii Fighter. Sollux said something snide back, but Karkat wasn’t paying enough attention to listen, he was so close to getting him and-

“Yes!” Karkat shouted with triumph as he watched Princess Peach slap the Mii Fighter hard enough send him flying off screen. Dave’s jaw dropped and he just stared motionlessly at the screen.

“Fucking _finally.”_ Sollux said, and John cheered, running his Sonic around in victory. “Now I just have to end you losers.”

“Oh, it’s _on!”_ John declared gleefully. Between them, Dave huffed and flopped sideways to lay his head on John’s lap in one last attempt to distract him. Karkat couldn’t really spare them a second glance because he was too busy trying not to get destroyed by Sollux’s fucking Ice Climbers, but when he glanced over after John had finally been bested, that sick feeling in his stomach almost overtook him.

John was loudly bitching about having lost, but his posture reflected someone who didn’t really care that much about it. He had sat back against the couch and his hand was resting on Dave’s head, gently running his fingers through Dave’s short locs. 

Karkat was so distracted that Sollux immediately overtook him, wrecking Peach’s shit entirely. He couldn’t even think about how Sollux was going to be insufferably smug for the next hour, and he barely registered Kanaya, Terezi, Aradia, and Roxy ushering them off the couch for their turn.

All he could hear was that nasty little voice that had been trying to drop hints to him for weeks, suddenly amplified and yelling over every thought in his brain.

Of course. Of fucking course. Nothing ever worked out for him. He should be used to it at this point.

But fuck, did that hurt.

\---

Karkat tried to resent John for it, but that proved impossible even for his spite skills. John was just too goddamn _nice,_ determined to be Karkat’s friend if it killed him. He tried to resent Dave instead, but he couldn’t even rationalize that. Dave had obviously known John much longer than he’d known Karkat, so he couldn’t blame him for being in a relationship no matter how much it fucked with his emotions.

So Karkat settled on the only thing he could do: ignore his own emotions until they festered and he died, just like he’d originally planned to before Gamzee dissuaded him. He supposed this is what he gets for listening to his dumbass of a best friend. He was just going to have to suffer through it.

This was fine. He was an adult. He could deal with this.

He and Dave were sitting in two of the armchairs in a warm corner of the library. They didn’t have anything new to study in anthropology - Karkat liked to think he was getting better at the subject, but it was more likely that they were just in an easy chapter a the moment - so they were working on their own separate assignments. Karkat was curled up with his history readings, and Dave was working on something in his paleontology textbook, bobbing his head lightly to the music in his headphones and mumbling along.

Karkat could manage this. As long as they didn’t talk to each other, Karkat could pretend nothing was wrong. That he didn’t have a crush or that Dave didn’t already have a boyfriend.

Dave tapped his pencil absently against his textbook, then pushed his headphones off of one of his ears and looked at Karkat. “Hey, am I dumb or have you never told me your major?”

Karkat sent him a look over the top of his books. “The two aren’t mutually exclusive.” He said dryly.

“Har har, you really are a fucking comedic genius, aren’t you.” Dave answered, just as dry, and Karkat got the impression he was rolling his eyes behind his shades. “How long have you been sitting on that one?”

“Since the day I met you. You’re lucky I hadn’t used it yet.” 

“Yeah, I’m definitely counting my blessings. You didn’t answer my question, though, what major are you?”

Karkat squirmed a little. He always hated that question. “Undeclared. Somewhere in the College of Liberal Arts, at least.”

Dave hummed in understanding, which he appreciated. “What’re you considering? You’ve got time to decide and whatever, but like. What’re your interests and stuff?”

“I’m not sure. I considered English Lit, but then my career options would either be teaching or being starving and homeless for the rest of my life.”

“Hey, starving and homeless but damn could you analyze some Billy Shakes.”

“If I ever hear you call Shakespeare that again, I will disembowel you and feed your liver to the crows.”

“Gross.”

“Anyway, I also thought about sociology because that’s what my dad majored in, but again, see the starving and homeless point.” Karkat shrugged. “I think right now I’m leaning towards political science.”

“What, to be like a politician or something?” Dave looked surprised.

“Yeah, I guess. It might mean being perpetually angry, though, because fuck, our political system is broken.”

“Yeah, but aren’t you perpetually angry already?” Dave said, and he laughed when Karkat flipped him off for it. “No, but seriously, I think that’d be good for you. Put that rage to good use. I get the feeling you’d be, I dunno, good at standing your ground on important issues. Unless you for some reason radically change your views and pass legislation against gay marriage or something-”

“Who the fuck do you think I am? You think my pansexual ass would pull that shit? If that ever happens, I’ve been replaced by an evil clone doppelgänger and you’ve got bigger problems on your hands.”

“Evil clones in politics is gonna drive conspiracy theorists _wild._ Is this what they’re talking about when they call politicians lizard people? But yeah, as long as you don’t turn out to be an evil lizard person, you’ve got my vote.” Dave gave him a smile so suddenly genuine that Karkat thought his heart might have gotten whiplash.

Fuck. Yeah, he couldn’t do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I've never actually played smash because I never had a nintendo device growing up, but I went to my friend Shay for help on what everyone would main, and here's what they told me:
> 
> John: Sonic  
> Rose: Dark Pit  
> Dave: Mii Fighter, for the irony  
> Jade: Inkling
> 
> Aradia: Samus  
> Tavros: The Poketrainer  
> Sollux: Ice Climbers  
> Karkat: Kanaya dared him to play Princess Peach and then he realized he's actually really good at playing Peach, so it stuck  
> Nepeta: Pichu  
> Kanaya: Princess Daisy  
> Terezi: Shulk because the sword  
> Vriska: Mr. Game and Watch  
> Equius: Bayonetta  
> Gamzee: Wii Fitness Trainer  
> Eridan: Greninja  
> Feferi: Jigglypuff
> 
> Jane: Kirby  
> Jake: Falco, but he pretends to main Ice Climbers to piss Sollux off. Everyone knows he doesn't main Ice Climbers except Sollux  
> Dirk: Marth because Marth said gay rights  
> Roxy: Solid Snake


	4. Step Four: Vent (Again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, this was my favorite chapter to write because I just. love writing the banter between these three. Enjoy! And thank you for all the kind comments aaa <3

“I’m gonna fucking kill myself.” Karkat loudly declared, dropping his backpack on the kitchen table. Sollux barely glanced up from where they were digging around in the fridge.

“Thank god,” said his shithead roommate who he promptly decided was the worst best friend second only to his other shithead roommate.

“Fuck you! I’m gonna kill you first and then kill myself!”

“You think that would change my mind?” Sollux emerged from the fridge with a Red Bull in hand. “You’d be doing the world a favor, two asshole birds with one asshole stone.” Those words did not do well with their lisp, but Karkat didn’t mention it because he had _some_ tact, thank you very much.

What he did instead was pull his sweater over his head and let out a muffled scream.

“Fine, Jesus, I’ll bite!” Sollux snapped, opening the Red Bull. “What the hell’s your deal?”

Karkat poked two angry brown eyes over the collar of his sweater. Sollux stared back with their heterochromatic pair narrowed.

“...I’m not going to push for an answer. You know I’m not going to. I could easily just walk away and leave you to fester-” They started to make good on their threat and push away from the counter, but Karkat caved too quickly.

“I need relationship advice.” He said, and Sollux stopped, their back already to him. They turned their head towards the ceiling, let out a long sigh, and turned around.

“Why are you asking me?”

“You’re one of the few assholes I know that has any success with romance. I don’t know how you managed to convince two different girls to date your slimy ass, but-”

“You’re making it really hard to want to help you, KK.”

“Fine. I just-” Karkat huffed and looked to the side, examining the grout in the sink. Someone was gonna have to clean that soon. Maybe he could convince Gamzee to do it in exchange for doing his laundry? “I like this guy.”

“Well yeah, I didn’t think you were just coming for romantic advice when you didn’t have anyone in mind.”

“Shut up. It’s Dave.”

Sollux squinted at him and seemed to think through the people they knew. “Rose’s brother? Friends with AA?”

“How many other Daves do you think I know?”

Sollux ignored him and leaned against the counter to thoughtfully take a sip of their noxious energy drink. “He’s cute, I guess. Kind of a twink. Funny enough.” A smirk developed on their face, which only spelled trouble for Karkat. “You have a type, don’t you.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Oh, I dunno, what other ex wears sunglasses indoors, is smart as hell but weird as fuck, is way cooler than you and could probably kick your ass-”

“Can we not bring Terezi into this?! Fine, maybe I have a type! You’ve proven absolutely jackdick!” Karkat snapped, wanting to end that train of thought where it was. “My problem isn’t Dave, it’s- He’s dating John.” He finished, dejected. Sollux sucked in a sympathetic breath through their teeth.

“That’s rough, buddy.”

“Don’t quote Avatar at me, you chunk of moldy dickcheese.”

“Okay, but that makes my advice way easier: don’t date him. Never get involved in someone else’s relationship, it never goes well.” Sollux grimaced, no doubt remembering the shit they got from Eridan for dating Feferi even though she’d broken up with him months ago.

“Yeah, no shit, I’m not going to be a homewrecker! I’m not _that_ much of an asshole!” 

“What’s the fucking problem, then?”

“The problem is I might literally die if I don’t tell him soon. I’m just going to explode with unrequited emotions, splattering the walls with my shitty organs, and some poor janitor is gonna be cleaning me out of the cracks in the wall for months. But I don’t know how to do that without making things stupidly awkward! I like being around him, you know? Even as a friend, and I don’t want to ruin that.”

Sollux sighed and rubbed their eyes. “Ugh, you really love making things difficult for yourself, huh?”

“It’s kind of my thing, yeah. Karkat Vantas: Fuck Up Extraordinaire. Every decision I make has to end up biting me in the ass somehow. I think I might be cursed.”

Sollux gave him an irritable look, then slowly shook their head. “There isn’t an easy solution here. You could tell him and make it clear that you’re not going to pursue anything, you’re just being honest with him. There’s no guarantee he’ll take it well and things won’t be awkward, but honesty is the best policy or whatever bullshit first grade teachers put on posters. Hell, maybe they’ve got an open relationship or something, who knows. But there’s a good fucking chance things get weird and awkward after that, and you’ve just gotta weigh whether or not that risk is worth it.”

Karkat stewed in their words for a moment in uncharacteristic silence. “...Who gave you the right to be so fucking good at this shit?”

“It’s because I’m better than you in every way.” Sollux said, pushing off the counter and finally walking towards their room. “You’ve gotta make dinner as payment.”

Karkat groaned and opened the freezer. “Are we really out of goddamn frozen meals?”

“You think I have time to go to Trader Joe’s? That’s your job.”

“Y’all motherfuckers can eat one of my frozen pizzas, I’m down to be gettin’ my sharing on,” came Gamzee’s warm drawl from his room. Karkat shot a look at Gamzee’s cracked door.

“You fucking dickmunch, were you listening the whole time? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Wasn’t none of my business, bro. Seemed like you were all at having a private conversation. Didn’t want to get intruding on a motherfucker’s feelings jam.”

“I swear to god, I lose brain cells every time you speak.” Sollux said from their room, all three of them now carrying on a conversation from separate rooms. “One of these days I’m going to re-enroll you just so you can take a fucking English class, the things you do to that language are horrific.”

“Motherfuckin’ poetry, my best motherfuckin’ sibling.” Gamzee said with his honking laugh. Karkat pulled out the frozen pizza and examined the box. 

“You wanna use some of that quote unquote poetry to explain why the fuck you bought frozen anchovy pizza?” He yelled, and Gamzee’s honks increased in volume only to be joined with a loud groan from Sollux’s room. 

“I hate living with you. Every day spent living in the same building as you two is hell on earth.” 

“Wait, us two?” Karkat yelled back, already heating up the oven. “What the fuck did I do?”

“Do you want the alphabetized list? I added some shit since last time.” Karkat didn’t dare call them on their bluff; last time he did that, Sollux had sent him a forty-seven page google doc. He did, however, continue to go back and forth with both of his roommates until the pizza was done and out of the oven.

By that point, he’d almost forgotten about his earlier conversation with Sollux. Keyword, almost. He woke up at 2am and stewed in his own thoughts, anxieties circling around his head like vultures.

Fuck, how was he going to deal with this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the temptation to write a fic that's just these three dipshit roommates is... so strong. Would you guys be into that?
> 
> Final chapter this Saturday!


	5. Step Five: Confess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally done!! Holy shit y'all, I've literally never finished a chaptered fic in my life, AND I've never written anything anywhere close to over 10k, what the fuck.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading and being supportive aaa <3 There's definitely more to come in this au, I've already started that Karkat, Sollux, and Gamzee oneshot (1:30am is... ideal writing time)

Karkat wanted so badly to be petty. He really did. He wanted to do what every envious person in exceptionally bad romance novels did and hate his crush’s partner. 

But he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. For one thing, he knew what kind of garbage that romantic trope was, and he wasn’t going to lower himself to that level, thanks. For another thing… John was just too damn nice.

He was friendly and somehow walked the line of not letting Karkat’s constant verbal stream of raging bullshit bother him while also not putting up with it when he got to be too much. He seemed determined to be Karkat’s friend, and somehow Karkat found himself hanging out one on one with John just as much as he hung out with just Dave.

Which is how he found himself in a comic book store with John one weekend, listening to him talk at length about the Ghostbusters comics series. 

“I really hope they do another one of those crossover series with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because-”

“Wait, _what?!”_ Karkat interrupted, bewildered and enraged by the very concept of what John had just said.

“Oh, yeah!” John blazed on with a bright grin, completely ignoring Karkat’s bristling as he tended to do. “They’ve done a couple limited run crossovers, they’re so awesome. Dave bought me the trade paperback for my birthday. I think it was supposed to be an ironic gift, but I think it was also kind of genuine because he knew I’d actually like it? I dunno, he’s weirdly good at giving gifts like that. I’m sure you’ll figure that out when your birthday rolls around.” He said, nudging Karkat’s shoulder and giving him one of his obnoxiously sincere smiles. Karkat’s stomach sank to somewhere in the heel of his feet.

“Yeah, I- Ugh, fuck it.” Karkat grimaced, his miniscule self control finally crumbling. Whatever, he could deal with the consequences if it goes poorly. Or curl into a ball in the bathroom and be miserable until he’s dragged out by Sollux and/or Gamzee and forced to be a grown up. Whichever. “Look, this is against my better judgment, but if I don’t tell you this, I might literally die and the funeral will be miserable and awkward, especially since you and Dave will probably be like ‘oh hey, why’d Karkat die?’ and I’d much rather the reason be something I tell you instead of some other fuck face.”

John was making a face that he’d come to recognize as the “Karkat, what the fuck?” face. Everyone he knew had their own unique version of it and he was well acquainted with all of them. Karkat continued before John could ask any questions and ruin his momentum.

“Don’t say a fucking thing, just let me finish.” Karkat took a deep breath and attempted to squash down his nerves. “I promise I won’t get between you two because I’m not that much of a horrendous tool, despite all evidence to the contrary, and you’re both my friends, which is more of a reflection of your shitty judgment than mine.” He was getting off topic. Focus. “I have a stupid childish crush on Dave. There, I said it.”

John didn’t look any less confused. “O...kay? Good for you I guess? Why are you telling me?”

“Because you’re his boyfriend and my friend? God, John, I knew you were dense but try to use your one brain cell for once.” Karkat rolled his eyes, the opportunity to pick on John not quelling his anxiety much. 

“I _am_ using my one brain cell, and it’s spinning around in confusion because dude, Dave and I aren’t dating. I mean, I think he might’ve had a crush on me in like middle school, but I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed because I’m super aroace.” John said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Karkat’s brain short-circuited.

Karkat blinked at him. “What.”

“Aromantic and asexual? It means-”

“I know what aroace means, dipshit. You’re telling me you two aren’t dating?”

“Not to my knowledge.” John had the gall to look amused as Karkat’s entire world disintegrated.

“But-” Karkat was quickly deflating, “You guys are always together.”

“Yeah, but that’s because we’re roommates and best friends. We’ve known each other since we were like seven.”

“He’s all affectionate with you!” Karkat protested, floundering for some justification even though he knew it was a lost cause at this point.

“He’s just super touch-starved, and he trusts me to not get weird about it.” John shrugged and a mischievous look stretched across his face. “So… you like Dave?”

Karkat groaned and resisted the urge to bang his head on the nearest bookshelf. “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

“If it helps, I’m pretty sure he likes you too! He talks about you all the time.”

“He talks about _everyone_ all the time. Wait, no, scratch that, _he just talks all the time.”_

“I mean, yeah, that’s true, but about you especially! He’s always like ‘Karkat told me this one time-’ or ‘today, Karkat and I did this-’ or ‘I almost tripped walking down the hallway because I was staring at Karkat’s ass.’”

“Are you sure that last one wasn’t a Freudian slip?” Karkat asked, unwilling to get his hopes up. “He does that a lot. He once talked in circles for ten minutes about how he definitely wasn’t checking out the professor’s chest but if he did, he would say it looked really great, but he wasn’t looking and- Do you get my point here?”

“That’s true, he does do that a lot.” John laughed. “But even if it was, I’m pretty sure it was mostly conscious. He really does like your butt.”

“Egbert, you’re not allowed to refer to my butt. Ever. No, shut up.” He said, cutting John off when he opened his mouth to speak again. “Why hasn’t he made a move yet if that was the case?”

“Same reason you haven’t. I mean, I was pretty sure you and Gamzee weren’t dating, but-”

“He thinks I’m dating _Gamzee?!”_ Karkat yelled, jaw dropping to the floor.

“He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t risk it because I think he’s scared of him.” John shrugged. Karkat continued to gape at him like a dead fish. “But now that that’s out of the way, you guys can actually make a move on each other!”

Karkat’s mouth snapped shut and he hunched his shoulders up by his ears. John seemed to pick up on his anxiety and he gently nudged him. 

“Hey, it’ll work out! You just gotta ask him out, no big deal.”

\---

It was definitely a big deal. Knowing that he had even a scrap of a chance with Dave only served to make him more stressed. Every time he thought he’d worked his courage up to ask him out on a date, the mood was ruined somehow, whether by someone interrupting them, Dave making a dumb joke and distracting him, or by Karkat’s own brain forcing him to chicken out. If he was going to romance him, he wanted to do it _right,_ dammit, and he just couldn’t find the right time. 

Karkat was sprawled on his bed, attempting to summon the energy to do his homework when Kanaya messaged him.

GA: Have You Asked Out Dave Yet  


CG: NO, FUCK YOU FOR ASKING.  


GA: Sorry I Know It Is A Sore Subject But I Promise I Had A Purpose For Bringing It Up  
GA: And I Also Know I Am In No Place To Pass Any Judgment On The Speed At Which It Is Taking You To Address Your Mutual Feelings Because Rose And I Have Been No Better  


CG: PLEASE TELL ME THERE’S BEEN AN UPDATE THERE. I WOULD KILL TO BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON SOMEONE ELSE’S BULLSHIT INSTEAD OF WALLOWING IN MY OWN LIKE THE DEPRESSED MIDDLE SCHOOLER I APPARENTLY AM INSIDE.  


GA: Actually Yes There Has Been An Update  


CG: REALLY? THANK FUCKING GOD. PLEASE TELL ME YOU FINALLY ASKED HER OUT SO I CAN GET MY FIVE DOLLARS FROM SOLLUX.  


GA: I Really Hope You Are Not Actually Betting On My Relationship Status  
GA: But Yes I Did Ask Her Out  
GA: We Are Going To The Art Fair This Weekend  


CG: GREAT! I’M HAPPY FOR YOU, KANAYA. I REALLY AM EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO SOUND SINCERE THROUGH THIS GODDAMN CHAT CLIENT.  
CG: I’M GLAD SOMEONE AROUND HERE HAS GOTTEN THEIR ACT TOGETHER. MAYBE THERE’S HOPE FOR THE REST OF US TO DRAG OUR HEADS OUT OF OUR ASSHOLES AND STOP ACTING LIKE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED TODDLERS.  


GA: Thank You I Trust Your Sincerity  
GA: But That Is Not Why I Messaged You  
GA: I Need A Favor  


CG: I’M SUDDENLY VERY SUSPICIOUS.  


GA: I Promise It Is Not Bad  
GA: I Am Just Nervous  
GA: I Know I Have No Reason To Be But I Feel Like I Will Be More Comfortable On This Date If I Had Some Emotional Support  


CG: THIS BETTER NOT BE GOING WHERE I THINK IT’S GOING.  


GA: Would You Like To Take Dave On A Double Date With Me And Rose  


CG: THAT’S EXACTLY WHERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I HATE BEING RIGHT SOMETIMES.  


GA: It Would Really Mean A Lot To Me If You Could Come Karkat  
GA: And I Am Sure Rose Would Be Fine With Her Brother Being There  


CG: THIS HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE EXTREMELY FUCKING AWKWARD, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?  
CG: NEVER TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN AWKWARD.  
CG: MOVE AWAY, CHANGE SCHOOLS, BECOME A HERMIT AWKWARD.  
CG: IMMEDIATELY COMBUST AND LEAVE ONLY THE ASHES OF OUR DIGNITIES AWKWARD.  


GA: I Do Not Think It Will Be That Bad  
GA: You Both Like Each Other  
GA: I Will Be Able To Give You Support If It Becomes Awkward In Exchange For You Doing The Same For Me  


CG: UGH. FINE.  
CG: JUST GIVE ME THE ADDRESS AND TIME, I’LL TEXT HIM.

Kanaya sent him the info, and Karkat opened up a chat with Dave despite the part of his brain yelling “BAD IDEA BAD IDEA BAD IDEA”.

CG: DAVE.  


TG: karkat  
TG: why are we just saying each others names  


CG: DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR SATURDAY.  


TG: no why  


CG: KANAYA JUST TEXTED ME AND APPARENTLY THERE’S AN ART SHOW.  
CG: KANAYA AND ROSE ARE GOING BUT SHE’S REALLY NERVOUS, SO SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE WANT TO COME TOO.  
CG: ARE YOU FREE?  


TG: oh shit  
TG: yeah im free  


CG: GREAT.  
CG: MEET AT 3:00?  


TG: sounds cool  
TG: hey karkat  


CG: WHAT?  


TG: where doing it man  


CG: ...  


TG: ...  


CG: NO. I’M NOT SAYING IT.  


TG: come on dude you gotta  
TG: you cant just leave a bro hanging  
TG: thats all kinds of rude  


CG: ...  
CG: “WHERE MAKING THIS HAPEN.”  
CG: HAPPY NOW?  


TG: hell yes  
TG: i can die satisfied now  
TG: i could have been on my deathbed  
TG: surrounded by loved ones  
TG: and they ask me “dave whats your one regret”  
TG: “what do you wish couldve happened in your life”  
TG: and id lift a wizened hand and take off my shades all dramatic because yes i still wear them as an old man fuck you is why  
TG: and id say “my one regret..... was that i never got karkat vantas to tell me where making this hapen”  
TG: and then id die and people would be weepy and shit  
TG: but now thats not gonna happen  
TG: ill be an old man with no regrets all thanks to you quoting a dumbfuck meme at me  


CG: YOU’RE SO FUCKING STUPID SOMETIMES.  


TG: yeah  
TG: so 3?  


CG: YEAH.  


TG: cool see you there

That… could’ve gone worse. It was hard to tell whether Dave knew it was an actual date and wanted to be on one because he was hard to read as always, but he didn’t seem against the idea. 

No backing out now, Karkat.

\---

Karkat was standing outside the art venue with Kanaya, fidgeting endlessly with his clothes. He wasn’t sure what the dress code for the event was, so he went the safe route and wore one of his nicer sweaters that he didn’t wear as often. Turns out the reason he didn’t wear it very often was because it was itchy as _fuck,_ but this was his life now. Kanaya completely outclassed him, dressed to the nines with the best makeup he’d ever seen in person, but that was pretty normal for her. He wouldn’t really know if he was underdressed or overdressed until Rose and Dave showed up, which should be any minute now.

If Karkat was nervous, Kanaya was doubly so, which didn’t make any goddamn sense to Karkat. She and Rose had been friends for as long as he’d known either of them, and they’d been flirting for most of that time. This date just seemed like the next logical step for them. There’s no way it wouldn’t go well, not with the way Kanaya and Rose look at each other.

But, well, Karkat supposed that made him something of a hypocrite because he knew he had no reason to be nervous for a date with Dave, but here he was. He and Kanaya were basically feeding off of each other’s anxiety in a shitty feedback loop.

Dave’s car pulled up before he could work himself into an even deeper rut, and he realized none of them knew what the fuck the dress code for this event was. Rose was in some kind of dress that Karkat didn’t have the fashion vocabulary to describe and her makeup rivaled Kanaya’s, meanwhile Dave… Dave was wearing the most obnoxiously orange hoodie he owned, which on its own wouldn’t be too bad, but he’d paired it with neon green jeans, and just looking at him gave Karkat a headache. Part of him wanted to strangle him for putting his clothes together like that. Most of him lamented the fact that he still wanted to kiss him despite how he looked right now. 

Dave strolled up to him as Rose went up to Kanaya, and Karkat was able to get a better look at the shirt under his hoodie.

“Do you really have it zipped up so it says ‘piss’?”

Dave grinned and shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets. “Great, right? They really should’ve designed their layout better, putting ‘piss’ right in the middle of the shirt is just asking for it.”

“You’re fucking disgraceful.” Karkat rolled his eyes and turned to follow the girls inside. 

The art fair turned out to not be anything too fancy. It was mostly a way for local artists to show off their wares - be that paintings, photography, or clay figurines. It turned out he and Dave fit in the most, and Kanaya and Rose were extremely overdressed, but really, what else was new. It didn’t take them long to split off from Dave and Karkat, hand in hand and laughing softly (Karkat _knew_ Kanaya had nothing to worry about), leaving him and Dave to their own devices by one of the photography booths.

Dave, to Karkat’s surprise, seemed genuinely really interested in the photographers they’d come across. Neither of them really knew what made a good painting or piece of jewelry, but Dave always lingered a little longer by the photos than the others. Karkat was about to ask him about it, but Dave beat him to it.

“What do you think about this one?” Dave asked, pointing at one of the pictures. It was a mountain range from the top of one of the peaks, scrappy grass and flowers poking out of the bottom of the frame. 

“Uh, it’s- nice?” Karkat offered. “I like the… colors. You should know I know fuckall about art.”

Dave hummed and continued to examine it. “The composition’s really good, the way they have the mountains framed around the river running through it is cool. The focus is kinda wack though, I don’t like that only the foreground is in detail. Shouldn’t the mountains be the big deal? I dunno. Also, the river kind of looks like a dick.”

Karkat squinted a little closer and made a choked noise. “Holy fuck. It does look like a dick. Those two hills- holy shit. Do you think that was intentional?”

“I mean, it totally would’ve been if I was taking the picture.” Dave shrugged and meandered over to the next booth. Karkat followed him, looking him over as if seeing him differently. 

“Do you do photography?” When Dave nodded, Karkat threw his hands in the air. “How did I not know that?”

“I dunno, it’s not like it’s my number one thing. It was just kind of a hobby when I was younger. Like how I used to mix music and rap sometimes. If someone handed me a camera or put me in front of some turntables and gave me a couple hours to myself, I could probably shit out something decent, but I don’t really have the time anymore. School, y’know.” Dave shrugged, looking through some watercolor prints at the next stall. 

Karkat shook his head slowly. “I can’t even tell if your combination of hipster and ‘cool’ interests is even ironic at this point.”

“And that’s what makes it peak irony, Karkles. Learn from the master.” Dave said, tilting his head so Karkat could see the wink he sent him from behind his shades.

“Call me that again and I’ll shove whatever the hell this is so far up your ass you’ll be coughing up clay for weeks.” Karkat snapped, pointing to a large and abstract piece of pottery. 

“Kinky.” Dave laughed at the strangled noise of anger that Karkat let out and continued to peruse the nearby stalls. Kanaya and Rose reappeared in their line of eyesight at the other end of the aisle. Kanaya was saying something out of earshot as they looked through the handmade silk garments in the stall, but she evidently lost her train of thought when Rose lifted a delicate green shawl and draped it over Kanaya’s shoulders. They couldn’t see Rose’s face, but Kanaya’s expression was properly lovestruck. Her thumping heart was practically audible. Karkat glanced over and found Dave was looking in their direction too. 

“I’m glad they finally got their shit together.” Dave said, turning back to the woven bracelets in front of them. “Rose has been a mess about her for ages.”

“Kanaya too. I mean, we all knew they were into each other from the start, right? Why the hell did they take so long?”

“Disaster lesbians, I swear.” Dave shook his head, then side-eyed Karkat. His expression was suddenly extremely neutral, which Karkat was beginning to realize was a sign he was nervous. “Hey, uh. This art show thing. Was it just for Kanaya?”

“Uh.” Karkat froze. “I mean, sort of. She was nervous about going on a date with Rose on her own, so she asked if I wanted to bring you along for moral support. Obviously, she didn’t need my help, but. Yeah.”

Dave’s facial expression didn’t change, but his shoulders suddenly seemed more tense. He nodded stiffly, and whoops, wrong answer, Karkat, you fucking moron, try again. “That’s cool of you. Hey, let’s go over here-” 

“Wait.” Karkat said before Dave could fully turn away from him. He gritted his teeth and did his best to swallow his pride. Fuck, he was doing this. “It wasn’t… all for Kanaya’s sake.”

That was enough to draw Dave’s undivided attention. His expression was still unreadable behind those goddamn shades, but it was clear he was waiting for Karkat to go on. 

“I-... Okay, basically, I’m a cowardly pile of shit disguised as a human being and I’m apparently incapable of doing anything about my feelings without significant outside help because I never learned how to be a fucking adult.” Karkat heaved a sigh and stared at Dave through his shades, hoping that was enough to simulate eye contact. “I’ve been trying to ask you out for ages now and I keep chickening out. Kanaya just gave me a shove in the right direction.”

“So…” Dave shifted his weight from foot to foot, still unreadable, “This is a date. Like, for real. Feelings and flowers and gushy thoughts and everything. Awkward tweenagers blushing and holding hands and sneaking off to make out in the bathroom and trying to hide that their makeup’s all smudged when their parents come to pick them up.”

Karkat crinkled his nose. “I don’t know about making out in the bathroom. I have some standards and they include not risking being the first person to get E. Coli through mouth-to-mouth contact.”

“Hey, you’re the one who said you’re the pile of shit. If anything, I’d be the one risking E. Coli by gettin’ a taste of that pretty mouth of yours.”

“It was a metaphor you- Wait. Did you just call my mouth pretty?”

“Uh.” And suddenly Dave was a lot easier to read, hunching his shoulders over his ears in embarrassment. “No. Maybe. Depends on what your answer was vis-a-vis this being a real date with feelings and shit.”

“I think my answer was pretty goddamn clear, dickass.” Karkat waited a beat, then groaned. _“Yes,_ it’s a real date with feelings and shit. Happy? Great, because now I need to go bash my head into that weird aluminum sculpture back there until I inevitably die or at least until I’m so brain damaged they’ll have to wheel me out in a cart.”

“That thing looked hella fragile, man. You’d probably do more damage to it than it’d do to you. Plus, then you’d have to see that poor artist cry over their destroyed sculpture. They spent months digging around in dumps for that aluminum, Karkat. How could you do this to them. This is their livelihood. They have children to feed.”

“They should’ve thought about that before they made a vaguely phallic sculpture out of used soda cans instead of feeding their children! Don’t blame me for someone else’s stupidity, I have enough for myself.”

Dave huffed out a laugh and reached over to take Karkat’s hand in a gesture that was much gentler than he expected. Karkat’s heart did _not_ stutter and his next tirade did not stop in its tracks from that one gesture, thank you very much. 

“Do you wanna get out of here? I don’t think the girls need our help anymore, and there’s a froyo place down the street that’s been calling my name ever since we walked past it earlier. Those crumbly Oreo bits and high prices have been singing for Strider for like an hour now.”

Karkat sent looked towards where they’d last seen Kanaya and Rose and sure enough, they’d disappeared again. “Yeah, why not. Hell, I’ll pay.”

Dave grinned and squeezed his hand, pulling him towards the exit. “So chivalrous. I feel like you’re some knight sweeping me off my feet, offering to pay for $20 of ice cream replacement on our first date.”

“Yeah, well,” Karkat jutted his chin out and attempted to look down at him, despite the nearly six inch height advantage Dave had, “You’ll pay for the second date.”

Dave’s grin widened, happiness written on his every feature and so completely opposite the stiff neutrality earlier. “You got it, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this fic arose out of me going "hey you know that fanfic trope where someone thinks their crush is already dating someone? What if I do that with davekat and John is actually aroace"
> 
> I know the fic is over, but please still feel free to ask about the au over on tumblr!! I have so much I couldn't include in this fic bc not everyone shows up and I'm dying to infodump, so please send me asks about it @waitineedaname


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